YOU BECAME YOUR OWN MASK
There's this wall i built around me when I got SLE. It has been there for quite sometime, until recently it thickened and crash me.
I have this brave mask face and pretence when I am around people. I act like I know what I'm doing, act as though I don't need other people's help or sympathy. Act as though I am alone is good enough to face the big bad world.
When inside, I am merely this fragile sick girl. Physically sick, emotionally shut with big dreams that hold my thoughts everyday. SLE has made me calculative of what I do,hell, even I have to calculate my own feelings.
The result? You can't just be this empty shell, working around all day without any emotions. Things don't usually turn out the way you want it to be,then you just keep the disappointment inside. Bottle up your feelings when all you want to do is shout "you know what I like you" or maybe "hey i could do this without being so tired the next day". The endless possibilities has become 'could it be possible for me' every day.
Every single day, i put up this mask and it had turn me into someone I don't want to be. Easily irritate due to tiredness, or actually exhaustion will be the accurate word. I AM TIRED,ok? TOO TIRED. Physically drained, emotionally exhausted and too scared to ask for help. The downside of being a serial non-taker when you are actually very sick. Le sigh...
QUIET LIFE AND WALLFLOWER
I dream of a quiet life now. Work has been so gruelling lately. With the viva and crazy hospital schedule I learn quite badly that I need to plan my rest & off day plus like it or not I have to deal with people everyday.
I learn quickly too how words travel by mouth can really turn things ugly. Gee, I did try not to get involve in stupid rumours or gossip or actually mengumpat. I run away from the place immediately. But hey, people just love spreading bad things about other people right? Sadly, right. I still keep my mouth shut tightly and hope Allah will clear my name up with the truth. For now, I just sabar and pray hard that my name will be cleared and whoever had bad-mouth me will face Allah's judgement. I am no perfect human being either, but I know what I said and what I didn't said.
I just wish that person will learn her/his lesson and I already forgive but never forget.
So much for wanting a quiet life and being a sick wallflower right???
ASKING FOR JUSTICE?
The world seems a wrong place to ask for justice right now. I read it somewhere "asking for justice in this world is like asking a lion not to eat you because you don't eat lion". Crap.
I might as well be the lion.
I longed for a place where I could be love and accepted. Right now, home is my safest sanctuary. I could be in my worst state of sickness and feel safe. As for my career, I'm still searching a job that I am happy to be doing everyday,plus handsomely paid too.
Hey it's achievable right?
P/S: I'm trying to be positive so hard right now. I do,and I need to admit that I learn how to ask for people's help. It nearly scared me too much when I first asked for help. And I do it in a very wrong way. Sorry colleagues, I learn to be a better communicator next time. Wish me luck!