A definition of my own.

ENDING JUNE
I got out of the pool after 45 minutes. I love swimming so much. And UITM pool is the best caused it is a closed pool thus private from public eyes. Sitting alone at the chair,I watched other people. It has been a quiet life lately. After enduring a month of SLE attack last May I could say month of June is a kind of redemption.It has been full of colors. Plus my birthday is near and things have been a lot better lately.Alhamdulillah.

I don't know why I like to stress on time,months or anything related to the most incredible physics mysteries called 'time'. For certain people,it's just month,it's just age,it's just this and that.But,I care less what people say about this day.
I want to celebrate what I have NOW. It has been an incredible journey for the past 22 years. And the biggest one I should say is dealing with SLE, living with it and at the same time embrace life.It has been quite a struggle,there was a very very sad time indeed,and very happy times too. It has been an incredible journey.
There is something about getting older and trying to act your age. Is an age a determination of maturity? I must say NO. And maturity doesn't just come knocking at your head just like that. Experience,hardship,other people experience with open mind conversation,humble acceptation and life achievement could influence it.

Men could change. IF ONLY THEY WANT TO.

And change towards better is the mark of achievement that could lead to maturity.

REASONS TO LIVE

Langit Ilahi Book is an interesting reading. It defines clear the real reasons why we live. It has been a good reading for me and I salute the author. It has been a while I was confused,trying to understand what is the real meaning of happiness and thanks to sekularisme and hedonisme,we lead life based on wrong believe. Alhamdulillah, Islam is a true blessing,and Allah is kind in a lot of ways.

I am grateful that I am not lost in the search of life fulfillment. I get stray away from time to time,but I always can come back, trying harder and smarter to become better Muslimah. InsyaAllah. By the way,what else to life than becoming His servant?
Langit Ilahi define life and living in the most understandable and truest meaning. Simple yet true.There are other readings such as Don't Be Sad by Syeikh Aaidh Abdullah Qarni , Saifulislam.com written by Ustaz Hasrizal, my favourite Islamic Malay novelist, Abu Hasan Morad and of course my all time favourite author Ustaz Pahrol Muhd Juoi.(Artikel Cinta bukan Tuhan dalam Majalah Solusi merupakan artikel yg hebat pernah sy baca...)

They have the most meaningful and life changing articles I ever read. Far better than my previous favourite author,Rowlings, Rhonda Byrne and such. Don't get me wrong I enjoy and even found their books are good but theologically they are just not as fulfilling.
Well, I'm still a newbies in the reading area,and trying my best to improve. Avid readers out there please be so kindly to help widen my paradigm. Who knows,it might changes us to become better in life....

'If you think you're the best,then there are other people better than you'.

p/s: Sharing my latest fav songs,Sparkle by Yuna and Hanafi.=)




Credit to: Yuna and Hanafi,No Black Tie.2 Nov 2009

The search of lost.

INTO THE WILD

What really make me sit still watching this movie is because the main cast is Emile Hirsch,my favourite actor. (Well,he still can't beat my hearthrobe,Al Pacino as Micheal Corleone in the Godfather I,II and III.=P)
It is undoubtful a bit disturbing movie and powerful enough. The fact that it is adapted from a story of a real person, Christopher Johnson McCandless make me feel deeply sadden.

The reviews I've read,the critics and comments make me realise one thing. He is caught in his sadness and brilliance he thought he have,hurt by the people he loved most and lost.
His refusal of using compass,map and every help he ever being given somehow showed that he is afraid or scared of hoping into something,being attached to anyone because of the fear of being hurt again.Isn't the most painful thing is to be hurt by people that you love,trust and respect most?

The Thoreau Individualist anarchism theory -major influence in the odyssey seems somehow right at the moment of hurt. Away from the society,away from the people that already,could or would hurt you. Emotion... is a powerful element of human core,soul. Pity... how a single event could actually empowered a radical change in a person.

A brilliant man,always confident,charming and kind well, even they can make mistakes. There are no one to blame here,not even him. He made those choices and lived with it. Yes, choices that comes with very uncertain consequences.

TRAGIC REALISATION
Allah has a mysterious way in working things. In Islam we are not encouraged to question His way,but we are encouraged to find answers in Al-Quran and Sunnah. As a Muslim I have doubts too. And searching for answers why things happen the way it happen could lead to winding path of uncertainties. Maybe you found the true answers,maybe you don't. Or maybe you just lost with answers that just untrue.

Life could be as hard and bitter as it could be.But being able to find the sweetness in every bitter part of life seems a thousandfold worth than anything in the world.Palestine is the best example.

For Christopher McCandless Odyssey, maybe it is a daring adventure for some people,a tragedy or as Sherry Simpson put it: This is what bothers me – that Christopher McCandless failed so badly, so harshly, and yet so famously that his death has come to symbolize something admirable, that his unwillingness to see Alaska for what it really is has somehow become the story so many people associate with this place, a story so hollow you can almost hear the wind blowing through it. His death was not a brilliant fuck-up. It was not even a terribly original fuck-up. It was just one of the more recent and pointless fuck-ups.(^ Simpson, Sherry. I Want To Ride In The Bus Chris Died In. Anchorage Press, February 7 - February 13, 2002, Vol. 11 Ed. 6.)
As for me,I see a man who is lost in his search on the real meaning of happiness. And it end with a too late tragic realisation that "Happiness is only real when shared".

p/s:

Seorang mukmin yang bergaul dengan orang ramai serta bersabar dengan kesakitan akibat pergaulan dengan mereka itu, adalah lebih baik dari seorang mukmin yang tidak bergaul dengan orang ramai serta tidak bersabar atas kesakitan akibat pergaulan itu”

Bukankah Al-Quran dan Sunah itu petunjuk yang jelas dan terang?

Plan,unplan or plan?

SOMETHING WORTH TO FIGHT FOR

Lately i have been questioning myself, why I do things I do?
It seem simple,finishing my graduation. Answering those questions in the examination hall. Finishing reports,knocking lecturers door for approvals and day by day struggling to get things done almost perfectly.

As if all is not enough keeping myself healthy is a very mounting challenge plus I have to endure every pain in my muscles,fighting to survive even with SLE. Where will all these head? Why am I still fighting to survive?

I want to give meanings to all the things I do. Because it seem worthless when you struggle without purpose. I am searching. For something worth to fight for.

PLAN OR UNPLAN?

My definition of happiness seems a bit cloudy at this moment. Unaware of what and how things supposed to work and create a happy me.
There are so many uncertain things that I now look at my book planner in disgust wishing for a great weekend getaway at some deserted Island,just me and myself alone enjoying the white sands and waking early to watch sunrise.

The real thing is, I am hoping for something better to happen, with full honesty and I despite all the unexpected things in life,able to enjoy,smile and be happy.

Well,all I can say now, I am enjoying something new. from my favourite Malaysian singer-songwriter. What can I say? Life is unexpected. Life is super something. Night people!

Air mata ini untuk siapa?

TAK SETANDING

Aku menangis.

bukan kerna kesepian,
tidak juga kesakitan,
bukan menyesal,
bahkan bukan jua ketakutan.
Aku menangis,

Kerana Engkau yg Maha Agung,
Mengasihani dgn seluas jagat raya milik-Mu,
Membenihkan mutiara iman berteras redha yg sebenarnya.
Aku menangis,

Tatkala Engkau mengajar erti redha yg sebenarnya,
Dalam kesusahan yg membawa kekalnya kekuatan sabar,

Aku menangis,

dalam payah dan senangku,
cuma kasih-Mu jua yg paling teragung,
setia menemani,
memayungi,
mengasihi,
mencintai.
Aku menangis,

kerna cinta-Mu itu,
sungguh sempurna,
mengundang haru,mengundang pilu,
pada hati yg merindu.

Aku menangis,

kerna akulah hamba,
yang mendamba.

sajak oleh-Hanum Maisarah,2.47 pagi,13 Jun 2010.

UNTUK SIAPA?

Jun ini begitu banyak peristiwa yg berkunjung dalam hidup saya.

Sesi majlis pernikahan di Masjid Besar Shah Alam yg indah mengundang air mata sy gugur. Indah benar khutbah nikah yg dibaca oleh ustaz berkenaan. Setelah selamat diijabkabulkan oleh ayah sepupu saya sendiri,kami meraikan keluarga pihak lelaki dgn jamuan ringan dalam suasana santai.

Jujur sy katakan,inilah kali pertama sy mendengar khutbah nikah yg mengharukan.

Peristiwa seterusnya mencabar kesihatan dan kesabaran. Sakit seluruh badan mengharungi 2 minggu yg padat amat aktiviti. Sy baru saja pulih dari sakit yg menyebabkan 'bedridden' sepanjang May.
Sejujurnya sy mengalami kepenatan fizikal namun lebih sihat berbanding bulan Mei lalu. Dengan aktiviti reunion,kerja membaiki rumah,mengemas rumah along dan membantu persiapan perkahwinan,sy benar-benar kepenatan.
Namun sy sihat. Alhamdulillah.... kerana sepanjang Mei lalu sy tidak mampu pun untuk bergerak dan mengalami depresi yg teramat sangat akibat SLE menyerang. Saya bersyukur.

Dan yg terbaru ialah wan(panggilan buat nenek sebelah mak) dimasukkan ICU kerana penyakit jantungnya menyerang. Wan masih tidak sedarkan diri,dan kami sekeluarga dilanda kebimbangan yg teramat.

Bulan June kali ini bewarna-warni. Dan sy masih dapat melihat warna pekatnya darah rakyat Palestin dalam bulan June ini.
Lantas saya menyoal kembali air mata ini untuk siapa?

June berdarah-SOGNANDO PALESTINA

IMPIAN PALESTINE,RANDA GHAZY

Sebuah buku yg sy impi uk memilikinya.Aneh,sy bertemu buku ini di sebuah kedai di hospital ketika menunggu giliran mengambil ubat. Tetapi tak punya kewangan yg cukup utk membelinya..
Di mana-mana pun, sy tetap berharap menemui sebuah buku yg menjanjikan bahan santapan ilmiah yg berguna... Ya,InsyaAllah,akan sy jejakinya semula.


DOA SI KERDIL-BUAT MISI KEAMANAN FLOTILLA GAZA

Untuk saudaraku yg sedang berjuang,semoga Allah melindungi kamu semua, memberikan pertolongan dan bantuan-Nya. Semoga Allah memberikan kemenangan buat umat Islam,menganugerahkan kekuatan,kesabaran dan pertolongan yg penuh hikmah agar misi Palestine berjaya dgn selamatnya.

Buat anggota Flotila yg tekorban,kamu adalah bunga-bunga syahid, yg mekar dengan haruman syurga. Semoga Allah menempatkan kamu di kalangan hamba- hambaNya yang beriman dan beramal soleh serta mulia.

-Doa si kerdil dari tanah Malaysia.