The choices we make.

TOO MANY,TOO SCARY

There is something about wanting a mug of comfort drinks that usually lead me to the same spot in front of the kitchen cabinet. I want to relax myself with a nice drink. And usually when it comes to my favorite comfort drinks it would most possibly be a mug of hot tea with ginger.Kinda herbs drinks but it usually calms me down.
But tonight, unlike usual I pick the packet of hot chocolate instant drinks, cut the packet with a scissor and make a cuppa for myself.Funny eh?

Like our life, we have choices. And the decision to make with all the choices scares us sometimes. It's funny being a women myself I found out that in our modern life, women are actually less happy because of too many choices.
It is an interesting facts because,we women nowadays fight for equality in education,career,soul mates I meant almost everything in this whole world in order to seek more content.But instead we find more content in less choices??

Well,it's not so much about there are lots of choices or not.It's about making the right one.

THE RIGHT ONE?
I learned to make a huge life change decision when I was 15 years old. Which is the most challenges time in my life. It's hard being teenager,you are dealing with a non-cure disease then forced to accept it,deal with it and let alone live with it.

But I choose to live,not letting disease control my life. I was determined and scared too.

The consequences??-Unimaginable pain every part of the body. Affected my soul,feeling and everywhere inside of me. It is a torment. And life alone is not easy. Facing everyday challenges seems harder than usual. I was living in fear. Just like the speech from the author of a book 'The sun is my enemy' Henrietta Aladjem.

Life has been a bit tougher than usual. Prednisolone is giving me insecure effect of body weight. I am not happy at all with this. But I know it's my choice to live with it.Then there's the unhappy flare,rheumatic fever effect and most recent ones I was chronically fatigue,unable to move at all and experiencing a heavy malaise(unsure feeling).

It's a wonder how a single choice could effect our entire life isn't it?

KNOW THYSELF
But there are happy times too. When my family give full support in each step I took or about to take. The time where I am able to hold my study books, experience study life as a student and able to hold discussion with people that I admire or wise about life.Because I am happy when I am with books and enlighten discussion.I know, that in order to make a good choice,you must understand who you really are.
Because with choice comes consequences. With consequences comes a respond from the one who make the choices.Respond can be feeling,physical action,cry,smile and every reaction you name it. The more you know yourself the more you make decision that make you happy and give more chance to make other people happy.

Worrying what the future brings is useless, actually. I meant I don't know that after the whole semester 6 'non-flare' period I will be spending the next whole months experiencing flare and rheumatic fever.

Events will come and go. It is us,the people who make choices stay. The important question is how we react towards the consequences?

After all,there are no such thing as perfect life.

WHAT MAKES 'ME' HAPPY MATTERS TOO
Eternal happiness is of course are obtained only in heaven. Thus we question do we have to be miserable all the time in order to live 'the life'?

Define 'the life'.

Good job? Happy marriages? Never fight with your spouse? Completing PhD,masters? Perfect result? Big house?Expensive cars? Endless friends?

My dear bloggers, for each of us,there will be different meaning depend on what is the core of our life. Yes,Allah is the definite core in whatever we do in our life.Thus,why do we need this hardship in life?? Allah is always there right? He can fix anything right? So then why do we need to learn make decision,working hard to figure life and faces every hurdles??

“…sesungguhnya Allah tidak akan mengubah nasib
sesuatu kaum itu sehingga mereka sendiri mengubah nasib mereka….”

-Surah Ar-Ra’ad, Ayat 11-

Now choose to be happy,be truly happy. Complete with Allah blessing and guidance.

p/s: Kisah Perubahan

Ketika saya masih muda
Saya mengembara untuk mengubah dunia

Semakin saya meningkat dewasa
Saya rasa hasrat ini terlalu tinggi
Jadi saya bercadang mengunah negeri pula

Semakin dewasa, ini juga saya dapati terlalu tinggi
Jadi saya bercadang untuk mengubah bandar saya

Apabila saya sedar, ini juga tidak dapat saya lakukan
Saya cuba mengubah keluarga saya

Kini saya sudah tua, saya sedar saya seharusnya
Bermula dengan mengubah diri saya sendiri

Jika saya telah bermula dengan diri saya sendiri
Mungkin saya akan berjaya mengubah
Keluarga saya, Bandar saya
Atau mungkin juga Negeri saya
dan siapa tahu, Mungkin Dunia ini juga

"Life is a Constant Change"

sumber:mesra.net forum

Mencari sakinah.

MENCARI SAKINAH

saya adalah hamba-Nya yg lemah lagi kerdil yg sentiasa mengharap & memohon kasih dari-Nya.

pic:Devian art by Yip87.

Dari Syeikh Ibnu Athoillah,Al-Hikam
"Sebaik-baik saat dalam hidupmu,ialah ketika kamu
menyedari kekurangan diri dan kembali kepada kerendahan dirimu"

Aku Manusia Lemah
Selalu Terjatuh
Berbeda Aku Dari Mu
Kau Berdiri Teguh
Aku Serba Tiada
Aku Kekurangan
Dan Bila Kau Tiba
Aku Hilang Dari Kewujudan

chorus:
Sempurnanya Sifatmu
Tulusnya Hatimu
Jujurnya Niatmu
Tingginya Kesabaranmu


Lepaskanlah Diriku
Kerna Aku Tak Mampu
Tuk Menanggung
Sebuah Cinta Sempurna
Darimuu
Darimuuu...Oahh...

Bukan Aku Tak Pernah Mengerti Dirimu
Kusanjung Setiap Kata Cinta Kau Berikan Aku
Hilangkan Rasa Itu Akhirkan Semua
Dan Bila Kau Sedar Aku Hilang Dari Kewujudan.. Oooo

ulang chorus.-lirik lagu Cinta Sempurna - Yuna

TIDAK MAMPU
Cinta sempurna antara ratusan lagu yg mengangkat darjat cinta ketuhanan dan termasuk dalam senarai lagu kegemaran.

Usai kertas peperiksaan lalu,fizikal sy gagal menahan kuatnya terjahan serangan penyakit SLE. Sy hampir 'lumpuh' di rumah tanpa sebarang aktiviti kecuali berehat merawat fizikal,emosi dan sekeping daging bernama hati.

'Keseksaan' yg dilalui semester lepas hampir-hampir menumbang jatuh semangatuntuk berjuang agar terus hidup. Sukarnya menjadi seorang yg sempurna anggota tetapi terbaring saja di atas katil lantaran penyakit SLE menyerang tanpa belas kasihan kali ini.

Ada jutaan kebarangkaliaan kenapa ia flare tiba-tiba. Dan punca utama ialah gagal mengawasi kekuatan tubuh dan terlalu ketat berdiet kerana prednisolone yg sudah diambil selama 8 tahun sebanyak 5 mg setiap hari mula menunjukkan kesan pada berat badan.Aduh....

Sukar kerana turut perlu memastikan tiada gejala tulang rapuh dan exercise terbaik ialah berenang. Puncak Alam serba indah permai hanya ada satu kolam basah dan beberapa kolam kering. Berenang dalam mimpilah jawabnya.

pic: still raining by erene,devian art

Seperkara lagi,akibat terlalu menekan diri mengejar matlamat baru sampai terlupa untuk 'be gentle' atau mengasihani fizikal yg ternyata memberi signal mahu berehat. Juga sifat 'obses terhadap matlamat' dan 'mengajar kesempurnaan yg memang tiada' tiba2 bertapak kembali.

Aih... maafkan saya diri. Sy pasti akan menjaga 'kamu' dgn lebih baik lagi. InsyaAllah,InsyaAllah dan InsyaAllah...Ya Allah,mohon agar menemui sakinah dalam mengharungi perjuangan hidup ini. Ameen.
p/s: Buku terbaru kegemaran oleh Marcus Buckingham, Find Your Strongest Life. MESTI BACA!!

UNIMAGINEABLE

SPEECH BY HENRIETTA ALADJEM

The lupus patient is a bewildered person besieged by physical, emotional & economic problems. The patient become ruled by fear-

fears that other will found out that one is struck by a mysterious illness, fear of being cut out from the human flow of life, fear of not being able to do things one was trained to do.

One gets worse and then better without obvious cause. And there are times when the patient is the only person who is sure that they are really sick, but does not know what is wrong. We need to know what we are suffering from, and we need to know what we are dying of. I feel that our families, our friends, the Social Security office, and our government on whom we rely for funding for research do not understand what lupus is and what it does to a human life.

I feel strongly that, without more understanding, we cannot be properly treated, so we can have a better quality of life and live with dignity and self-respect.

-exactly how I feel right now.

TEA IS NOT COFFEE

I usually learn to wake early in the morning feeling happy as a new day being a gift for me. Than after more than 7 years battling with SLE I suddenly feel lost.

It's an imaginable feeling. Not sure of everything. Fear runs in my every vein. I am scared of not knowing what actually am I doing and most of all will this thing I'm doing will eventually lead me to happiness?

p/s: I want to shout for help,but then I lost my voice.Allah,please help me...

Let me heal.

EVERYDAY IS MOTHER'S DAY

Not much to post here. Just want to say happy mom's day to my dearest mother, Hajah Fatimah Hamzah.

You are my strength,
my endless source of support and energy,

My one and truly
extraordinary
unconditional
love
ever.

Happy Mother's Day,Mama.

IMPERFECTLY IMPERMANENT

EXACTLY HOW I FEEL

Oh blue sands, can you tell me if I ever be happy?
Oh blue sands, can I stay here forever?

Oh blue sands, can you make them all go away?
Oh blue sands, what are you doing in my hair?

And everything will get better if I stay for a while
And we’ll find another way to be happy one day
And everything will get better if you hold on for a while
And the sea come and sweeps us away from here

Oh blue sands, will I ever get to marry my handsome friend?
Oh blue sands, can you make them understand?

And everything will get better if I stay for a while
And we’ll find another way to be happy one day
And everything will get better if you hold on for a while
And the sea come and sweeps us away from here

Oh blue sands, I don’t want to go up there and pretend
I’m okay

I don’t hate you anymore x4

I don’t hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the person I cannot be
For the things I cannot have
I don’t hate you anymore when I look at you
All I see is the blue waves coming to get me and take me away

I don’t hate you anymore for the way you remind me of the things I cannot have

Oh blue sands will I ever get to be like you.

Blue sands-by Yunalis Zarai

NEVER STAY FOREVER

When you finished college and start to think hey I got the scroll and will be post somewhere around the Peninsula and that's the end of all struggling. You secured your degree,secured your job then everything seems to fall at it's place.

Well,not quite. You still have to work hard to make sure you do your job well,cause there will always be newcomers with enthusiasm will be after your job. Unlike you after being in the same job routine, working day and night to pay bills,taxes,house and car loans you almost don't recognize the word enthusiasm anymore.

Then you think you owe your love ones forever,when at one point you realise he/she can always leave you either for other persons or basically for any other reasons such as nature.

Flower dies,people left,job changed and life isn't what it seems to be.

IMPERFECTLY IMPERMANENT
It's life. As it is. The truth is how we see it.

I am grateful to be able to experience a good education while I'm young. I am grateful that I am able to serve the community and give my very best in my job for the benefit of everyone around me while I am still healthy.

I am grateful to be around people who supported me and love me although they will not be around me forever,I am still grateful that I knew them,love them and be with them.
Flower dies.Yes,it is supposed to be that way.

It's when it blooms and alive,we take a good care of it,put it in a vase to cheer a gloomy room and bright up the day. Life as we know it,are like flowers. They don't stay forever bloom.

But it is what we do while it still bloom and alive matters. NOW is the key word we all have.But what we do with NOW make life much better. Even after it all went away. Forever.

p/s:Thank you to all my blogger friends,for all the morale boosters and words of wisdom. Thank you so much.

RAINING MAY-come away with me....

PHYSICALLY AFFECTED

Usually when my ladies of the house having fun at the mall with super fun extra activities,I prefer not to go with them.

It's not them why I refuse, it's me. I am easily tired,close to chronic fatigue even for the normal activities everyday.
my fav songwriter-singer;Norah Jones

It is a 'normal' situation for SLE people like me. So I choose to spend time resting all the time. For this hectic semester 6, I keep pushing myself close to exhaustion. Thanks to my super ego and obsession to do my best in everything,I end up packing my bag spending study days at home.

I choose to 'heal' at home, physically,mentally and emotionally. And thank you so much Mum and Dad for being the best supporter ever in the best and worst time of my life. I love both of you so much,and may Allah bless you all the time.

RAINING MAY
Plus it's hard for me to explain everytime why I can't do this or that. You get funny expression cause from other person's view I look fit on the surface. Maybe too fit due to steroids side effects.
You get tired try to explain that what ever decision you make it is based on your health while you perfectly look well to them.Only my family esspecially mum and dad knew exactly why I do what I have to do.

They are the ones with me when I'm healthy and when I am at the emergency department down due to SLE attacks. Reminding me of my health state,my medications and all the DON'T list.It's hard sometimes... to make people understand if they don;t want to understand.

So I choose not to explain. Keep it quiet and live my life well. It's raining May, and I already have my umbrella.=)

SLE,ME,LIFE,STUDY

My research have been well accepted by 2 co-supervisor at the chosen hospitals,PPUKM and PPUM. Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah the most Merciful.

It's the data collection I'm feeling a bit worried about. 222 SLE patients for PPUM and 289 people for PPUKM. Imagine the amount of respondent and statistical test I need to do.
Well,make it or break it.That's the goal now.There's no turning back. I intended to finish what I started with again the best effort I can put.

This time, I keep the BALANCE with my watchful inner eye. This time, I want to score but I want to be SINCERELY HAPPY while scoring.And HEALTHY too. I'm praying hard and smart that all my papers pass with flying colours and research are done well to earn honours in my B.Pharm.

Face it, kejayaan tidak bermakna jika kita tidak tahu TUJUAN kejayaan itu apa.

p/s: Belajar untuk mencari REDHA Allah. Letakkan dunia itu di tapak tangan dan Akhirat genggam kuat-kuat dalam hati.=)